Not what it seems

 This is an unusual topic for me to write about publicly. I have been silent for quite some time about religious subjects, maybe this will shed some light on the reason.

When I first started writing publicially with 'who am I', I was a lifelong member of The Living Church of God. I was actually a 3rd generation lifelong member. From before my birth, every place I'd live, people I'd know, and places I'd frequent would revolve in no small way around my church. During 2017 though, I started reading for the first time. I never had picked up a love of reading as a kid, for one thing I didn't have time, and second I just assumed everything in books was gay. I jest, slightly.

I started reading books in 2017, I started with Matt Best's 'thank you for my service' which was a curious start, a raunchy book by all accounts but certainly a 'male' book that kept my interest throught. Then I read 12 rules for life.. That was the valve to the flood.

I never knew there were people who thought like me. That sounds arrogant and ridiculous, but fair enough, it's true.

Peterson made my own thoughts make sense like no one else ever had, I remarked online once that the 1st chapter of 12 rules was more useful than all the sermons I'd ever heard (which is still true) and boy I wasnt expecting that self-righteous backlash.

The point of bringing Peterson into this frame is because he's the one who taught me to think critically. In a manner of speaking you could say he was the one to offer me a red pill, and I took it.

The next several years would be the hardest times I had ever lived through. I certainly wasn't expecting what my newly opened eyes were seeing. Those who share my church background will be familiar with the upheaval that Covid caused in the church, but probably less aware of what actually has happened in terms of causes and not the symptoms.

Without getting into details, which could be for another time, the churches' incompetent and structurally immoral framework was exposed. The church, the center of orbit for my entire life existence as I percieved it was shown to be not a penny more than a collection of power-hungry angry arrogant men ruling a self-made pyramid of lies and theft. (No hyperbole present)

My writing from '18-20 is indicitave of the subjects I was becoming wise to as well as the fault of the estabilished order of such things in the church. Then I just stopped writing, the disparity between the 'christianity' implied in the bible and the actions of Armstrongian churches as a whole were exposed to be too broad and fundemental to attempt to bridge.

I have officially cut philosophical ties with any religion that claims an origin of Armstrongism. I have spent the time since then exploring where the 'truth' would be in the absence of an organized church system (which I believe is contrary to the implicit and explicit teaching of the Bible).

Individual morality, not to be confused with the concepts of moral relativity in which no absolutes exist, is where I have been doing my research. Several have noticed and remarked on my assosiations with projects like Within Your Gates, these types of outreach programs have been a steppingstone for me. I will probably move on entirely at some point as they are not 'the' answer I'm looking for, but they are practice.

I find myself searching for something I cannot yet identify. I'm not yet sure if the ideal is a concept, or a mode of being, or an attitude, but I can see the rough shape.

The separation from the church model, which was a cruel and maliciously executed parting against my will left a giant hole in my personality. A hole is probably not a good description though, a hole (where the star your planet orbits around) is more correct.

Those who share my church background probably dont realize their internal conflasion of God and Church, and I have the utmost pity for them when they realize it, it's a crushing blow to take.

My mental health has been a rollercoaster as of late, perhaps a roller coaster with no wheels.. or seatbelts. The utility of an entire-life encompassing religion (regardless of its biblical accuracy) is nothing to disregard. I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to handle the 'red pill'. I do find comfort in the fact that the Patriarchs had no such social scaffolding (church) for their acted out faith. 

I don't know what lies ahead for me. I was extremely shocked recently when some aquaintences from long ago confronted me at the feast to tell me they appreciated my example. It never ceases to amaze me that we don't live in a vacuum, other people are always watching. I suppose thats the reason I sat down here at the Grizzly to write today. I do hurt, often and while I wish everyone would take the red pill and be aware, it's not free. As peterson quipped, when you escape egypt it's not all freedom...you're in the bloody desert...and youre probably still worshiping the wrong god. 

I've managed to ramble a while. Hopefully there have been some points of use entwined. I'm going to finish my coffee and attempt to be a grown-up.

-cheers.